Security Tax Refunds: the Men in Black Dossier
14th June 2019
So, you’ve earned your official Carte Noire polymorphic ID card, been issued your first Neuralyzer and Series-4 De-atomizer and put on the last suit you’ll ever wear. From now on, you exist only as rumour and déjà vu. Anonymity is your name and silence your native tongue. You are Agent R of the Men in Black – the first, last and only defence against the worst scum of the universe.
Of course, there are plenty of weekend warriors out there who think they could do your job – if they even knew your job existed. Let’s see one of them provide close security to a visiting Arquillian ambassador, though, or run door security keeping a horde of unlicensed cephlapoids a safe distance from a Baltian holovid superstar. It’s not always a glamorous job, but it has its moments. You exist outside of the system in all but one respect – you still pay your taxes. Of course, that means you can also claim your yearly HMRC security guard tax refund.
When you’re with the MiB, every workplace is temporary. You never know where the job will take you from one day to the next. Yesterday morning, you were investigating a suspected alien crash site at Dungeness. By lunchtime, you were in low orbit shutting down a Neo-Verminoid atmospheric strip-mining operation.
All that mileage stacks up, and if you’re not keeping track of it then you’re not getting the tax relief you’re owed. Under the standard AMAP rates, for example, you’re entitled to about £147 billion in tax relief per light year travelled – and that’s just the start! Wherever your duties take you, you’ll need food and accommodation (not to mention decontamination kits for both to make them safe for human use). Depending on your duties, you might have Personal Protective Equipment from Force Field Projectors to Full-Spectrum Genetic Manipulators to claim for. After all, you wouldn’t want to be unprepared the next time the Great Attractor unleashes a Frictionless, Hypersonic Ricochet Module on your workplace as a prank, would you?
Then we come to your licence. Just like the standard SIA security licence it’s based on, your Carte Noire isn’t free. In fact, as with the specialised licence you need to drive your MiB-series Ford LTD, you have to pay even if you fail the tests. The good news is that your application and renewal fees all count toward your yearly tax refunds – assuming you keep track of them properly.
That last point’s a big one. When you’re paying from your own pocket for faster-than-light travel or the repair costs on your Reverberating Carbonizer (with or without mutate capacity), you need to keep detailed records of what you’re shelling out. That way, in the event of psionic possession or Neuralyzer malfunction, you’ve still got all the information you need for your tax refund claims.
You have to keep these records right up-to-date, since your costs are likely to vary a lot from year to year. Most of your essential equipment can be expensive to replace or repair, so the next time you slap a set of Hyperbinders on a fugitive Annelid, only to find Varah mucus from your last assignment has gummed up the locking mechanism, you know you’ve got some tax relief coming for the clean-up cost.
As an agent of the Men in Black, your tax refunds are in good, fully prehensile hands with RIFT - even if you've not been off planet recently then your first security tax refund is likely to be £2,579 and then around £1,070 per year after that. Our specialist teams are always up-to-date with the latest HMRC rules on interplanetary travel and high-tech personal equipment. We’re on great terms with the taxman and have full authorisation to handle the most delicate and complex aspects of your job. We’ve been in the business for 2 decades – and, like you, we really are the best of the best of the best.